Kids, we haven’t planned a getaway in ages, and I think we deserve an escape — it’s time to squish our toes into soft sand, breathe in the…

You never know what you may find. — Why do I need a power washer? At any given moment, most structures are at risk of collapsing under a cascade of outdoor effluvia. The average conifer emits twenty-six tons of pollen — that’s tree sperm — each spring, which means your dwelling is only one lustful pine away from…

“Can you hear me?” — Can you hear me? Are you actually able to hear me right now? AM I GETTING ACROSS TO YOU? I wasn’t yelling at you. I wasn’t. It was just impossible to tell if the words coming out of my mouth were reaching your ears. Thank you for confirming! Yes, sure…

The real story behind one saint’s anti-herpetological agenda — Viper: The first time I saw that guy stomping through the heather, I said it right away. I said, “Guys, I think we’re done here, and Pirate Gandalf over there is gonna be the reason.” Copperhead: He did have a real “You shall not pass” energy with that walking stick…

You’re out of your jingle-jangling mind if you think I’ll tolerate demands that I “run, run as fast as I can” in my own house, let alone from some Manic Pixie Dream Cookie that just hopped uninvited out of my oven. It takes a lot of damn nerve to ask…

It’s really cramped in here. Do you know where the trowel is? Or maybe some tongs? What do you think we’ll find in this box? Just because we can’t tell how old this is, doesn’t mean it’s not worth keeping. This growth here…that’s probably fungal. Let’s scrape it off and…

Three property choices for a forced playdate. — MADISON (to camera): We’re looking for a princess castle with at least eleventy-hundred rooms, a movie theater, and a bowling alley. And we really need to be close to mud, but not too close. HOST (voiceover): Madison and Henry are relocating to Henry’s backyard to play nicely — despite their…

We lurch toward Halloween amidst gaping societal wounds. — My oozing brethren, I come to you now — as our neighborhood’s elder statesman of gore — to groan the words you should all be thinking, if you have any BRAAAAIIIINNNSSSS… Ahem. Sorry. As I was saying: No more unto the breach, dear friends; no more unto the breach. The…

Hot Dog Snake Open your mouth as wide as it will go. Pick up your hot dog while loudly chanting snakes got no teeth, snakes got no teeth. Use your fingers to shove pre-sliced hot dog segments directly toward your trachea. You must turn your face blue before another snake tries to steal…