“If you’re talking about bedroom stuff…” (Photo by DICSON on Unsplash)


You never know what you may find.

How will I ever recover? (Photo credit: A. Burges)

“Can you hear me?”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
  1. Can you hear me? Are you actually able to hear me right now? AM I GETTING ACROSS TO YOU?
  2. I wasn’t yelling at you. I wasn’t. It was just impossible to tell if the words coming out of my mouth were reaching your ears. Thank you for confirming!
  3. Yes, sure…

The real story behind one saint’s anti-herpetological agenda

Forget Irish green: the original color of Ireland was Scaly Tweed. (Photo by Taylor Kopel on Unsplash)

You have one job, and it’s purely aesthetic. (Image credit: Audrey Burges)

Let’s make some room to work. (Image credit: Photo by nrd on Unsplash)
  1. Do you know where the trowel is? Or maybe some tongs?
  2. What do you think we’ll find in this box?
  3. Just because we can’t tell how old this is, doesn’t mean it’s not worth keeping.
  4. This growth here…that’s probably fungal. Let’s scrape it off and…

Three property choices for a forced playdate.

“How long did your mom say we had to stay outside?” (Image credit: Photo by Max Goncharov on Unsplash)

We lurch toward Halloween amidst gaping societal wounds.

I appeal to you now as our neighborhood’s elder statesman of gore. (Image credit: Audrey Burges)

Can’t we just play some Jenga instead? (Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash)

Hot Dog Snake

Audrey Burges

Author, THE MINISCULE MANSION OF MYRA MALONE (Berkley 2023); work in McSweeney’s, Belladonna, Slackjaw, & elsewhere. Twitter: @audrey_burges; audreyburges.com.

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