Top Picks from the Commission for Toddler Demands

Designed for easy viewing by grown-ups on their bright, blinky rectangles.

Photo by Alexander Dummer from Pexels

The Commission for Toddler Demands (CTD) comprises a diverse membership of toddlers, most of whom are, at any given moment, screaming at nearby grown-ups to relinquish unfairly confiscated objects.

Periodically, the CTD compiles its members’ most pressing demands into a “Top Picks” list, a curated guide designed for easy viewing by grown-ups on their bright, blinky rectangles while they hide in the room where they say that they need privacy.

A Hammer

We want it. Hammers are instruments of safety. All the best superheroes carry hammers. Thor. Hulk, sometimes. Captain America carries that Big Plate Thing that is, really, just a frisbee-shaped hammer. When we play Knights and Princesses we need a hammer to play the role of Pointy Slashing Thing.

Hammers also fix things, like walls that are too smooth and mirrors that Mommy puts in the entryway to “make it look bigger” but that also let us pretend we are both a good guy and a bad guy at the same time.

A Bare Paper Towel Roll

Want it. Bare Paper Towel Roll is the Swiss Army knife of toddlerdom (unless you get your hands on an actual Swiss Army knife, in which case, bravo).

Bare paper towel roll is a telescope. It is a microscope. It is a Pointy Slashing Thing. It is a Potty Retrieval Device for anything in said potty deemed worthy of retrieval. This last use resulted in unjust confiscation of Bare Paper Towel Roll.

A Ball of Hair

Want it! Ball of Hair is better than Cat or Dog, which are harder to throw and also suffer from less complex texture than Ball of Hair, which can be fuzzy, soft, and sticky all at once, depending on whether it’s sourced from a brush, the poorly-swept corner next to the couch, or the shower drain.

We can wear Ball of Hair as a wig or attach it to used dental floss and take it for a walk, or Doll can use it as a new sweater, if we remember that we have Doll to play with.

Being Totally, Inexplicably Naked

WANT! IT! Also a multi-tasker. Grown-ups fail to grasp the essential necessity of this demand and its myriad functional components: shirt, pants, flingably sodden pull-up, and shakeable nether-regions.

Being Totally, Inexplicably Naked is equally useful in the home accessories section of Target and in the kitchen, next to a boiling pot of macaroni.

Boiling Pot of Macaroni

We just noticed this because it is shiny and making clouds and hissing like a snake, ssssssss. The box next to it has a bunny on it. Hold on, here’s our wooden stepstool with puzzle pieces that spell out our name. We can use it to reeeeeach…no! NO! Don’t take the stool! It has our name on top and belongs to us! WANT IT!!!

Audrey’s work can be read in McSweeney’s, Human Parts, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and other places. Twitter: @audrey_burges; audreyburges.com.

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